A Series Of Unrelated OneShots
by lordbaelish
Summary: oneshot 12 - The moment Kurt realized Blaine wasn't a rock star. In fact, he's just as weird as his ex-glee club. Kurt POV of the Sue, Kurt, and Blaine scene in Sexy
1. Never

**A drabble to make me feel better about whumping Kurt so much in my other fic**

**Never**

Kurt read and re-read his text conversations that he'd had with Blaine over and over in the corner of the room at Glee. He knew there was a goofy smile on his face, and he plugged in his iPod and played Teenage Dream for the hundredth time that week.

"Kurt!" Brittany yanked his head phones out of his ear, "Guys he's not deaf."

"Teenage Dreams?" Mercedes asked, listening to the blaring music, "You hate Katy Perry."

Kurt was exempt from explaining, however, when Mr. Schuester entered the room with new music and his normal cheery smile on his face.

"Hey guys, I know how much you all love pop music-" A few people cheered, "So I got some Katy Perry-" More cheers, "Here's the basics, we still have to figure out solos."

Rachel ranted about how she connected with Katy Perry and should get the part, and Kurt couldn't help but laugh when he saw the music in his hands.

_Teenage Dreams_

"Something wrong Kurt?" Schue asked, raising an eyebrow.

Kurt held out his arm to give the music back, "The guys sent me to spy on The Warblers. They sing this song. There's no way we could be better than them at it."

Everyone protested loudly.

"Wait!" Will Schue shouted and everyone quieted, "You went to spy on Dalton?"

Kurt flicked his hair, "The boys so obviously didn't want my help with the mash up, and Puck told me to go spy. So I did."

"Dude, I didn't think you'd actually do it," Puck said.

"This spying thing has got to stop."

"Whatever," Kurt said, "Anyway, they caught me really easily. Apparently I'm not made to be a spy, just a singer."

"And...you don't have a black eye?" Puck snorted. "We would've beat _them _up if they'd been spying. Told you they were a gay school."

Kurt glared, "They're_ not _a gay school. They're an all boys school, with a zero-harassment policy. Unlike _here _the principal actually _does _something about homophobic harassment. And, no, they didn't beat me up. They bought me a latte and _talked _to me.

"One of them helped me stand up to Karofsky after he..." Kurt frowned, "Well, after something happened."

"What happened with Dave?" Finn asked.

Kurt licked his lips, "It's something that he did to me, that, though I would like to report it, is not my place to say. All I can say is he needs serious psychological help and should see Ms. Pillsbury immediately. And he should stay away from me. Forever."

"You know you can always come to me with that stuff, too?" Mercedes asked, slightly offended.

Kurt nodded, "Course I do. But you would've murdered him or something. Anyway...the whole point is Blaine and his guys sing Teenage Dreams and we have no hope of beating them ever. With that song at least."

"Wait, I'm lost," Mr. Schuester said, "Who's Blaine?"

"He's the one that called me out on being a spy." Kurt explained, "And bought me a latte. His friends didn't beat me up because they thought my terrible spying was endearing."

"They thought you were a deer?" Brittany asked clueless, and was ignored.

"And he sings Teenage Dreams?"

"Better than we ever could," Kurt confirmed.

Someone knocked on the door, before stepping in suavely, "Talking about me?"

"Blaine!" Kurt said, eyes lighting up. Santana and Britt sat up a little straighter too, eying the rich looking boy in the door.

"Whoa," Quinn muttered to them, loud enough for most to hear except Kurt, Blaine, and Schue who were by the door, "Ultra hot young James Bond, much?"

Finn scowled as they all giggled, including Rachel.

Puck stood, flexing his muscles, "What are you doing here? Spying?"

"Hey, man," Blaine held up his hands, "I bought your guy a latte when you sent him to spy on us. And he actually saw me sing. Least you can do is let me walk through the halls peacefully. Speaking of which," He turned to Kurt, "I just ran into Karofsky. Does he _always _shove you into the wall? Because he just did that and I swear, I'm gonna have a huge bruise tomorrow."

"Yeah, he does that every time he walks by me. Or I walk by him," Kurt paused, "Which is a lot."

"I feel so bad for that guy," Blaine said.

Puck snorted again, "You feel bad for him because he beats up Kurt everyday?"

"He's obviously very confused," He and Kurt shared a look.

Finn stood, "What is this secret thing Karofsky did?"

"I shouldn't say..." Blaine looked at Mr. Schuester, "You should probably send him to a guidance counselor, if he doesn't try to get professional help soon."

"Help for what?"

No one answered, and after a short silence Santana said, "Hey, Dalton guy, you, me, and Britt tonight? At Sticks?"

Blaine laughed awkwardly as she put on her sexy face.

"No thank you, ladies," He declined politely. "You're not really my type."

Kurt giggled at something no one else got.

"Anyway, I'm here to pick up Kurt," Blaine said, "Sorry for kidnapping him from your practice, but I'm only in town for a few hours...my friends Wes and David and their girlfriends are waiting for us at that Cafe on Johnson Street."

Mr. Schue raised an eyebrow. He was the first to get it.

"Are you sure about Breadsticks?" Santana asked, "We could _dress _your type."

Brittany nodded, "Totally."

Blaine laughed smoothly, "No, I don't think you could. It was nice to meet you, though. I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of each other."

"Why is that?" Rachel challenged.

Blaine looked at Kurt, who rolled his eyes, exasperated, "You guys are so dumb."

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked, hands on hips.

Kurt looked at Blaine, who leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips before tugging his arm and pulling him along, "I really did enjoy meeting you all. We'll have to get to know each other better at another time."

Kurt smiled and wiggled his fingers at their shocked faces before interlocking his fingers with Blaine's and leaving the room with a broad smile.

There was a long silence.

Brittany finally spoke up, "Do you think that was Kurt's boyfriend?"


	2. Carburetor Kurt

**Summary: There was something undeniably attractive about people who knew stuff about cars. And Kurt, well, he knows cars. Klaine.**

**First order of business, I've decided to make this a series of unrelated one-shots. Hence the new title, dumbasses.**

**Second, "OMG did you read that new Patti LuPone book?" (Kurt)**

"**Uhh...I dunno...haha just kidding OF COURSE I DID!" (Blaine)**

**Third, repeat second cuz ZOMG they need more screen time together.**

**Carburetor Kurt**

_I'm in trouble I'm an addict, I'm addicted to this girl, she's got my heart tied in a knot, and my stomach in a whirl,"_ The entire car sang along to Nevershoutnever! on their way home from the movie theater. Wes and his girlfriend, Tanya, were in the middle seats, recently broken up David was in the back, and Kurt and Blaine were in the front.

They were going to drop off Tanya and Wes first, then David, then short trek back to Lima. The car made a sputtering noise and slowed to a stop.

"Ffffffffffreaking hell," Blaine banged on the steering wheel. The sun was setting, and his hood was smoking. "Wes, can you fix my car?"

"Dude, I don't know anything about cars," Wes said, finally unlocking his lips from Tanya's.

David repeated that he, too, didn't know shit about cars.

Blaine sighed and pulled out his phone, but Kurt stopped him.

"You all seriously underestimate my skills," He unbuttoned his blue sweater and left it on the seat, smiling his superior Kurt smile, "Let me handle this."

"Kurt knows cars?" Wes sounded incredulous.

David whistled, "Blaine, if you don't bag him soon, I will turn gay for that boy."

"Hey, Blaine, pop the hood!" Kurt yelled from outside.

Blaine looked at the assortment of buttons on the dashboard, "Uhh..." he found it and watched Kurt push up the front hood of his car.

Wes and David shared an exasperated look, "Go out there and help him, moron."

"Right," He went to stand next to Kurt.

"Well, your problem is..." Blaine stared blankly as Kurt babbled about car parts and pointed at different things that Blaine had no idea what they were even called. Kurt stopped, "You look more lost then when I talk to Puck about Patti LuPone."

"I don't know jack shit about cars," Blaine admitted.

Kurt rolled his eyes, "I thought I was supposed to be the girly one?"

Blaine watched Kurt, in a blue v-neck and grey skinnies, bend over the car and fool around with some parts in the hood, and found that there was something undeniably attractive about people who knew cars.

And, apparently, Kurt knew cars.

He tilted his head to watch Kurt bend over further under the hood, one foot popping daintily into the air, and he swallowed thickly. Wasn't this supposed to only happen in cliché boy/girl movies? The bending over thing, that is?

"Okay, try to start the car now," Kurt said, turning to find Blaine wide-eyed and dazed looking, "Honestly, it's not that boring!"

"Uhh, what?"

"Just go start the car."

Blaine did just that, and the engine roared to life.

When Kurt re-entered the car, everyone cheered and he took a small fake bow.

"You need to get some parts replaced," Kurt told him, "I would go see a mechanic, because if I tell you the parts you'll just forget them."

"He would," Wes confirmed, laughing.

Blaine was silent for the rest of the ride, while his friends and crush chatted amiably for the entire ride, and suddenly it was just he and Kurt, and they were a block away from Kurt's house.

"Stop here," Kurt said shortly when they were nearing his house, it was just out of sight.

Blaine pulled over, "Yeah?"

"What is up?" Kurt asked, "We had a great time tonight, I got along with your friends, and ever since I fixed your car you haven't talked much. What? Is? Up? Are you embarrassed your flamboyant friend knows cars? Is that it?"

"No!" Blaine objected strongly, "That's not it, it's just-"

"Just what?" Kurt said, "I thought the night went smoothly, to be honest. It_ was _the car thing, wasn't it? Did I, like, upstage you or something? Did I look really gross after or something? Is that-"

Kurt had progressively been leaning towards him during his rant, and suddenly Blaine sympathized with David Karofsky. Having Kurt Hummel lean his face towards you wasn't the easiest thing to ignore.

Before he thought it through, he grabbed the back of Kurt's neck and pressed his lips against his.

Fortunately, Kurt didn't react the same way he had when Karofsky had kissed him.

Instead, the elfish boys hands found Blaine's hair, mussing it and freeing it from it's gelled state.

"ohmygod," Blaine mumbled, dragging Kurt a little closer to him. Kurt raked his fingernails through Blaine's hair who jumped a little, which made Kurt hit the steering wheel's horn by accident, the blaring noise making them jump apart.

Both teens stared at each other, not quite sure where they stood, when Blaine reached across the seat and grabbed Kurt's hand, who smiled.

They pulled back onto the road and Blaine said, "Just so you know, I think it's really attractive that you can fix cars."

Kurt giggled, running his free hand's fingers over his pink lips, "I'll fix your car any day, Blaine."


	3. RENT

**Summary – How a love-struck Blaine got those tickets for RENT.**

**I was just going to have them go see RENT, but this was more fun.**

**Note: in 2x07 I realized Blaine was much gayer than he had originally seemed, with the Patti LuPone thing. I love him a little more now, if possible.**

**RENT**

"Did you hear that they're doing RENT at the theater nearby?" Kurt raved to me through the phone, and I let him talk, sighing.

He has such a nice voice.

"Yeah, I have tickets," I said, before biting my lip hard to stop myself from saying more stupid untrue things, "I was going to ask you to go. I have two tickets."

"On Friday?" He squealed, "Of course, we'll have SO much fun! Hold on a sec _-what, Finn? *g__**rumble* **__fine be right there – _I have to go to rehearsal, but we can meet at the theater at...six, tomorrow?"

"Sure," I said, repeatedly bashing myself in the head with my palm, "I'll be there. With tickets. Two of them. Yup."

"Kay, bye!"

I flopped onto the bed.

I am so dumb.

The door cracked open, and I heard David ask, "Is it safe to go in? I really don't want to hear about Kurt's eyes anymore."

"Or his cute woodland creature ears," That was Wes.

David entered our room, shuddering, "Or his lips for that matter- AH! Oh, hey...Blaine. We were just looking for you."

"Sit," I pointed to the bed. They sat, "Do either of you have tickets to RENT at the theater?"

They both raised the eyebrows, glancing at each other, before saying, "Kurt."

"Well, yes but-"

"It's borderline creepy, Blaine."

"I need-"

"We want to hear about your needs any more Blaine-"

"DO! YOU! HAVE! TICKETS!"

"Chill, dude," Wes said, "And no, we don't have tickets."

I threw my hands up in the air and left the room.

Idiots.

"Hey," I grabbed the shoulder of some random freshie, "Do you have tickets to see RENT? No? What about you? Dammit- HEY YOU! DO YOU HAVE RENT TICKETS! YOU DO DON'T YOU? DON'T RUN FROM ME, BOY!"

After a few minutes of chasing the kid who, apparently, didn't have tickets at all, I landed in the principal's office.

I tried to explain my sick need for these tickets, but he, well, only heard the 'sick need' part before telling me I had to stay in my room for the rest of the night, and should see the guidance counselor during my free period tomorrow. And I had detention with the creepy Coach Jacobson.

The guidance counseling didn't go over too well either, as the guy spent twenty minutes lecturing me about how I was too young to know if I was gay or not and gave me a church brochure.

I was too frantic to be pissed off.

"Hey," I interrupted his spiel, "Do you have any tickets to RENT?"

He then launched into a long-winded explanation about how RENT was inappropriate for someone my age.

Then, there was detention.

"BLAINE!" Jacobson yelled, "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, LADY-BOY?"

I would be offended by the lady boy thing, but Coach wasn't discriminating against me or anything. He just had a bad habit of picking out the thing you're most self-conscious about and exploiting it. This bothers most people, but, he dishes out the same amount of cruelty to everyone, so I could care less.

"Er...serving my detention?" I was uncertain.

"I NEED YOU TO CLEAN THESE SHOWERS TILL THEY SHINE PRINCESS!"

Um, no. Absolutely not. I get out of this at 5:00, so I won't have time to shower before running to the theater and trying to buy people's tickets with obscene amounts of money.

"Physical labor during detentions is banned, sir," I reminded him

"OH YEAH I TOTALLY FORGOT!" another nasty habit of Coach's. Always shouting. He considered this, "I HEARD YOU WERE LOOKING FOR RENT TICKETS!"

"Yeahhhh..." I said slowly, and Coach pulled out two tickets from his desk.

"I WAS GOING TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER BUT SHE'S BUSY!" He held the tickets tauntingly, dangling them in front of me, "NOW GET CLEANING!"

And clean I did. It makes me a little sad that they're going to get really dirty next time anyone uses the locker room.

I swear to God I could see my face in that tile.

And I looked terrible.

"Thanks Coach, gotta go, bye!" I rushed away, grabbing the tickets and going to shower in the dorm bathrooms.

I finally got dressed and was on my way. The dashboard flashed 5:45 at me, and I sped up, still about twenty minutes away, and I wondered if this whole freak out was really worth it. I mean, I _really _flipped out.

Kurt was there already, I cursed.

"Blaine!" He waved me over, as though I couldn't tell when he was in the room.

"Heyyy..." I said happily, handing him a ticket. He grinned adorably and read it.

"Seat 12D?" His jaw dropped, "That's, like, right in the best spot! How did you score these? You're the best!"

"Ahh," I shrugged, "No biggie."

When they opened the doors and everyone rushed in, Kurt grabbed my hand so we wouldn't get separated in the crowd.

After the crowd had thinned out, he still didn't let go.

So worth it.

**I am on a ROLL**

**however, I'd like you all to know I TAKE SUGGESTIONS and if I like your suggestions I'll fill it and if I'm too busy or think it's stupid I won't.**


	4. Drool

**Summary – In which Finn stutters, and Blaine may have drooled.**

**Drool**

Kurt and Blaine were hanging out in Kurt's basement, just sitting around and talking. It was just a normal Saturday.

"So, the wedding's this weekend, right?" Blaine asked.

Kurt smiled dreamily, "Yeah, it's going to be so fabulous. Carol looks wonderful in her dress."

"That's great," Blaine said, "I'm sorry I can't go, but it's my little sister's birthday..."

"I totally understand," Kurt cut him off, Blaine had been agonizing over turning down his invite for a week, but it really wasn't a big deal. Well, it was a big deal, but so is his sister's birthday, so Kurt was okay with it.

"Hey, did you-" Blaine accidentally knocked his foot into a scented candle that had been on the table and it fell onto Kurt.

Luckily, the flame went out before it his Kurt, but the younger boy jumped up, knocking the candle onto the ground and ripping off his shirt.

Kurt hissed in pain, and hoped the candle wax wouldn't stain his favorite V-Neck. The hot wax burnt his skin and where it had fallen on him there was a pink mark on his stomach.

"I'm so sorry!" Blaine said frantically, jumping up from his seat and stepping closer to Kurt, not quite sure what to do.

Kurt laughed, "It's fine, it didn't burn me, it was just a little hot."

He poked the still warm spot on his stomach and Blaine followed the movement with his eyes.

With a start, he noticed that Kurt was, well, muscular.

It was not something he had been expecting.

The soprano often wore long sleeves, so Blaine barely even saw his arms, but Kurt shirtless was...wow.

"Hey Kurt, Burt told me you were down- whoa," Finn looked at them, Kurt shirtless and Blaine standing extremely close to him, blushing. "I, uh, was just...mom and Burt are, uh, out, and went to, you know, plan, stuff, so I thought we'd hang out- I'm going to go up stairs now."

Finn fled the room hastily, and Kurt raised an eyebrow.

"That was weird," Kurt said cluelessly, "Wonder what he was going on about."

"Kurt," Blaine said, not sure if he should really point this out, "You're not wearing a shirt. And you're alone. In a basement. With another gay guy. What do you think it was about?"

Kurt stared at him for a moment, before a look of understanding dawned on him.

"Ohhhhhhhh," He said, suddenly uncomfortable.

Blaine coughed, "If you want...we could give him a reason to stutter like that." Kurt blinked in surprise, and Blaine blushed, "Or we could, you know, not..."

"Giving him a reason sounds...nice," Kurt smiled, and Blaine grinned in relief.

Upstairs, Finn sat at the kitchen table awkwardly.

He really, really hoped that never happened again. Ever.

Unfortunately, Kurt and Blaine practically made sure it would happen. Often.

**a/n- ugh I really am not happy with this one...**

**STILL TAKING REQUESTS**


	5. Jacob's Vlog

**Finally, I've been inspired!**

**Jacob's Vlog: "Then they found the section called 'GLEEKS SUCK' and it all went downhill from there"**

**YAY**

**Jacob's Vlog**

"BLAINE!"

The entire library turned to stare at said boy, who laid his head down on the desk and put his algebra 2/trig over his head in a pathetic attempt to hide from his friends.

"! BLAINE ANDERSON, WHERE YOU AT BOY-EEEEEEEE?"

"Oh my wizard god," Blaine mumbled, "I hate them. I really do."

Wes and David appeared on either side of him, each grabbing him by the upper arm and forcefully dragging him out of the library. Blaine didn't fight it, just let his legs drag behind him as his two best friends pulled him out the door.

"Y'know," Wes huffed, "You could walk instead of just lie there like you're dead."

"No," Blaine shook his head, "I'm enjoying the ride."

The two of them dropped him in front of a computer and he scrambled off the floor and into a chair.

A website, a Vlog, was opened on the screen, with a picture of a nerdy looking kid with a jew fro. He stared at it for a moment before giving up, "Okay, what is this?"

"This is..." David started drum rolling on his shoulder, before both he and Wes simultaneously shouted, "KURT HUMMEL'S LIFE 101!"

"We googled Kurt," David said.

"And this was the most informative website."

"What? Wait, you- I-I'm sorry, _what?" _Blaine pinched the bridge of his nose. "You _googled _Kurt? And he had _more than one website about him?"_

"Yup, that pretty much sums it up."

"I hate you guys so much."

"Anywho, this is some kids blog about the going-ons of William McKinley High School," David pointed at a category labeled 'FOOTBALL (we actually don't suck this year!)'. "Start there."

Blaine clicked on that, then on a video entitled, 'GAY PLAY WINS THE GAME'

"That's just offensive," Blaine said, scowling, "Why the hell would you show me that?"

"Just click it."

A video popped up and buffered for a moment before it started. Someone on the sidelines was holding the camera a bit shakily before setting it on a tricorder or something, and jew fro kid entered the camera screen.

"Hello McKinley!" He smiled, "This is absolutely astounding-"

"Israel, just film the field!" Someone from behind the camera shouted, and the camera turned towards the football players as Single Ladies started to blast from the stadium's speakers.

And then the jocks all started to dance.

"What the hell?" Blaine blinked at the screen, "Why are you showing me this?"

"Shh! Just watch!"

Blaine watched them dance, finishing with the smallest player making an amazing kick and winning the game. The video then skipped to Jacob Israel approaching the kicker.

"And now, an exclusive interview with our school's winning kicker!" Jacob tapped the player on the shoulder, and the kicker took off his helmet and shook out his hair, looking shocked at the camera being pointed at him.

Blaine went into a coughing fit so bad that Wes had to pause the video and wait for him to finish.

"_Kurt _was on the football team?"

"I know right? Like, WTF? How did _that _sitch end up like that?" Wes said, and David smacked him upside the head.

"Stop talking like a preteen girl and play the video."

"So, Kurt, how does it feel to be the only gay football player on the team?" Jacob asked him, to which Kurt rolled his eyes.

"I'm the only gay kid in the school, you imbecile, it wasn't really a shock to find out that I'm the only one on the team," Kurt pushed the camera away so it ended up filming the floor, "Now get that out of my face, I look disgusting."

"I am _so _confused," Blaine admitted.

"There's more!" David announced.

He opened another section called 'CHEERIOS (and other hot girl things)' and found another video.

("Is that...Celine Dion...in French?")

Then they found the section called 'GLEEKS SUCK' and it all went down hill from there.

There were 16 mini-categories were underneath it, and they went as follows:

GLEE'S BIG GAY SUMMER

Quinn Fabray (stretch marks?)

Rachel Berry (rumored to return to the Shire in 3 weeks)

Finn Hudson (STEP-RELATED TO PRINCESS KURT!)

Puck (survived 24 hours in dumpster!)

Lauren Zizes (newest GLEEK)

Sam Evans (dating Quinn, what the hell?)

Mike Chang (rockin' the abs)

Matt (why was a mute in Glee? We don't know.)

Tina Cohen-Chang (vampire?)

Santana Lopez (lesbian? We hope so!)

Brittany S. Pierce (believes in Santa...and made out with Kurt...IKR?)

Mercedes Jones (needs new gay best friend)

Artie Abrams (can walk! WTF?)

Kurt Hummel (TRANFERRED TO DALTON! McKINLEY IS NOW A GAY FREE ZONE)

forums

"What is this?" Blaine was confused, "I mean, 'glee's big gay summer'?"

A few of the other Warbler members headed over, surrounding the computer, "Were you guys watching videos of Kurt?"

"Yeah..." Wes grinned, "Hey, click on Santana Lopez. Girl on girl action...mmm."

Blaine punched him in the arm, "Perv."

"Kurt made out with that hot girl?"

Blaine looked at the picture of Brittany Pierce, "I doubt it. It's a gossip website."

"Actually, I did," Kurt's voice sounded behind them and they all jumped guiltily. "Is that Jacob's blog, then? I really hated that kid."

"You made out with a chick?"

"Yeah," Kurt blushed mottled red, "That was a...bad week for me."

Someone took the mouse from Blaine and found a picture of plaid wearing Kurt holding hands with the blonde girl in a cheerleading uniform.

"You really did everything, man, I mean, the football team and the cheerleading squad? Way to break some barriers."

"Dude, this hot chick had a kid last year?" Someone leaned forward to squint at Quinn, "Weeeeeeeeeird."

"Yeah, Puck got her pregnant while she was dating Finn," Kurt looked wistful, "Then she told Finn it was his, and Jacob leaked it onto the internet that she was pregnant even though Rachel bribed him with a pair of her underwear so he wouldn't. And then Mr. Schuester's crazy wife tried to convince Quinn to give her the baby when it was born, because she told Mr. Schuester she was pregnant even though she wasn't..."

Everyone stared at him.

"I kinda miss the drama of New Directions," Kurt noticed their incredulous looks and ignored them. He looked at the screen, and wrinkled his nose, "Glee's big gay summer was the worst." Someone clicked on it. "That wasn't me telling you to watch it."

It started with Finn and Rachel, who Kurt told everyone was his step-brother.

"He's freakishly tall," David noted conversationally.

"And she's a hobbit," Kurt finished with a laugh.

"Does it annoy my fellow glee members?" Rachel asked rhetorically, talking about her 'controllist' tendencies.

Finn answered, "Yes." there was a pause, "...that was out loud, wasn't it?"

That got a round of laughter from the guys, but Kurt rolled his eyes and sat on a couch, opening up a magazine.

Mr. Schuester was explaining his types of music and why he chose them in percentages, when Jacob said, "100% gay."

"Dude," David scowled, "Your teacher just let's him get away with this?"

Kurt shrugged, "Eh, if you try to avoid him he just becomes more annoying."

"Did that dude with a mohawk really get a vasectomy?" Someone flinched a little at the thought.

"Probably not." Kurt paused, "He wanted to keep the kid, so I don't think he would."

The camera was zoomed in on Santana's chest when several guys coughed loudly.

"Boob job?" Zane, a younger Warbler asked.

Kurt nodded, detached, wondering about reactions to his upcoming appearance in the video.

Mike and Tina came on next.

"Because they're both Asian, that's racist!" Wes said at the same time Tina did on the video.

"They are dating, though," Kurt pointed out, "And they hooked up at an Asian camp, so...oh look, poor Artie. Tina's jilted ex."

Wes just pouted.

Mr. Schuester was back on, now Jacob asked him about rapping.

"I may or may not have started that forum," Kurt said innocuously, "Mr. Schuester shouldn't rap. It became a really popular forum, so many people joined-"

"Kurt, shhh, you're on!" David said.

Kurt mumbled, "That's what I was trying to distract you from," but no one heard him.

"Nice hat," Blaine commented, and David shushed him too.

Video Kurt was walking (more like strutting) down the hall in red pants, obviously trying to get away from Jacob.

"When will you glee clubbers accept the fact that people hate you?"

"No, Jacob."

"You're nothing but a glorified-"

"Go away."

"-karaoke club-"

"Go away."

"-designed to make-"

He stopped trying when Kurt went into the bathroom, annoyed. Several of the guys laughed at Kurt's blasé manner of ignoring the annoying interviewer.

"I love this part," Kurt told them, when Jacob asked Rachel:

"When are you planning on making your triumphant return to the Shire?"

He asked more racist and annoying questions when the camera showed Kurt exiting the men's room, and saving Quinn from humiliation.

"You know what Jacob?" He asked, "It doesn't take much courage-" Blaine sent a secretive grin at Kurt "-for people to park their cottage-cheese behinds in their loungers and log on to the internet and start tearing people down, does it?"

The Warblers cheered at Kurt's angry rant, and Blaine wondered if this had happened before or after they met.

"But you know what it does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something."

Video Kurt turned to face the camera as The Warblers began to chant his name.

"So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog: Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, _say what you have to say TO. MY. FACE." _

The cheering was cut short when a red slushy was thrown onto Kurt's face, and they watched their newest member wipe the goey drink off his face in humiliation.

"Welcome back _lady," _A dark kid in a Letterman jacked laughed with his friends and Blaine clenched his fists.

"I don't suppose there is any way you could just cut out that last part?" Video Kurt asked helplessly.

Blaine scrolled down and read one of the comments out loud, "'Glee is a giant ball of suck'? Kurt, this is terrible!"

"It was just a slushy," He shrugged, "They used to do it to all of us everyday. I'm pretty sure Karofsky got a job to support his slushy buying habits."

"Dude, what's this one?" Someone pointed at a video labeled 'BEST BEATINGS ON PRINCESS HUMMEL OF ALL TIME'

"I wouldn't click on that-" Kurt started, but someone already had.

Blaine was wincing as he watched it begin.

Video Kurt came onto the screen, surrounded by jocks in a parking lot.

The Warblers collectively blinked as they all grabbed a younger Kurt who started shouting, "WAIT! Puckerman, put me down! At least let me take off my jacket, or _you'll _be paying the dry cleaning bill!"

"Alright, guys, let him take it off at least."

"Isn't that your step-brother?" Blaine asked, pointing at the tall boy Kurt was making gooey eyes at.

"Yeah," Kurt said, "I used to have the biggest crush on him because he always let me take off anything expensive. This was before we were friends in Glee."

"Dude," was all David said.

They watched as, rapid fire, videos came on. Slushy, dumpster toss, porter potty lock in, more slushies, more dumpster, Kurt actually got shoved into a locker, then just pushed down, things were broken.

"That was traumatizing just to _watch," _Blaine said.

Kurt stood, slinging his infamous messenger bag over his shoulder, "Guys, it's really no big deal. Now, _I _have to get to French class."

Kurt left the silent room gracefully, leaving behind astonished and angry glee members.

"Wes? David?" Blaine said.

"Yes Blaine?"

"I think it's time we make a trip to McKinley our first glee field trip."

"I couldn't agree more."

**A/N – so, kind of terrible. Could've been better if I tried harder with it, but I re-watched Special Education today and wanted my picturesque 'Dalton=Hogwarts-Voldemort' image, with Wes and David as Fred and George. Fanon!Dalton, if you will. Hopefully, eventually canon!Dalton**

**okay, in Special Education did anybody notice Puck's face (he was making a weird smirk with like a 'rock on brothers' look on his face) when the Hipsters finished and the weird look Mike gave him while he did it?**

**Now I want Mike/Puck bromance...**

**AND Puck/Kurt/Blaine love triangle. Puck GLARED at Blaine while he sang Soul Sister.**

**Not gonna lie, I love Purt a lot too. The difference is I _adore _canon AND fanon Klaine while I only like fanon!Purt. You know what I mean?**

**Anyway, REVIEW PLEASE!**


	6. Six Texts

**I've been really out of it lately, with all of my writing but mostly glee. I had a glee marathon and now I'm getting back into things XD**

**So here's a oneshot:**

**Six Texts**

I.

_'Courage'_

Kurt smiled at his phone. He knew he shouldn't be reading texts while the girls were putting on their performance, but he honestly wasn't that into it. All the other guys were slack jawed at the girls in their leather outfits, but Kurt didn't see the appeal. Even though the guitar player was kind of cute.

Their mash up was well put together, but somehow one word from his new friend (?) gave him so much more hope and joy than music. Music which had, at one point, been his only reason for moving on. It no longer satisfied him. Music couldn't cure the bruises on his back.

Maybe, though, courage could. Or maybe Blaine could.

Kurt hid another smile and tucked his phone back into his bag.

II.

_'How'd it go?'_

Kurt sniffed and wiped his eyes, sinking lower into the seat in his car.

Courage had, in theory, been wonderful. Now, though, it seemed completely overrated.

He had expected to get punched at least once, but at least then he would have a black eye to get Karofsky in trouble with, instead of bruised lips and nothing except his word. Kurt knew Figgins would never believe him over Karofsky. _He_ was the gay kid, why wouldn't they believe Karofsky when he said that Kurt had tried to kiss him?

Hell, even most of the glee club would believe the meat head. Mercedes wouldn't, as well as Tina and maybe Artie. Rachel wouldn't care, but she might believe him or something. He glanced down at the text from Blaine and decided to call the dapper Warbler.

He _knew_ Blaine would believe him, even if they had just met.

Kurt raised the phone to his ear, and dialed...

"...Blaine? I need your help."

III.

_'Want to hang out this weekend? If you're free...'_

Kurt blinked at his phone. He double checked that this was from Blaine, and then jumped onto his bed with an actual, honest-to-god squeal.

He bounced around for a minute like an over excited pre-teen girl. Kurt waved his arms around and felt butterflies circle his stomach. This was the first attempt Blaine had made to get together outside of Karofsky-related instances.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Kurt realized that Blaine was probably waiting for an answer and dove for his phone, quickly typing in a simple 'Yeah sounds awesome' and hitting send.

Before the message could finish sending, he canceled it.

Did that sound too desperate?

IV.

_'Be right there.'_

Letting out a breath of air in relief, Kurt switched from pacing, to staring at Pavarotti worriedly.

There was obviously something wrong with the bird, the bird that had been placed into his care. The Warblers would dislike him more than they already did, if things kept going on like this. Because they obviously considered him a peasant to their higher status.

He idly wondered if Sam had felt this way, this need to be something bigger than he had been at his last school. To be something greater, something people liked. Loved, even.

If Pavarotti died he would be ignored, or worse, they would all be horribly polite to him.

God, he had ruined everything.

"Hey, I got your text..."

Oh thank GaGa, Kurt thought. Blaine would help him out.

V.

_'where are you and what are you doing right now?'_

Kurt raised an eyebrow at the text. The only time he had ever gotten a text like this one was when Puck had accidentally sexted him instead of Santana. Except, that one had asked what he was _wearing_ and Kurt had told him to fuck off.

He figured Blaine was just too unaware of teenaged nastiness to want to do that or, for that matter, even know it existed, so he told him he was in the common room studying.

And he was, or at least he was trying to. Studying was difficult at the moment because he had Teenage Dream stuck in his head, and that led to other...interesting...fantasies about the guy who had serenaded him with it.

Even without his embarrassing daydreams about his friend, what he was reading was just plain boring to read about.

He hoped Blaine brought something, anything, to get him to stop reading about Charlemagne.

I.

Blaine Anderson bit down on the inside of his cheek, fingers hesitating over his phone.

Kurt was right there, across the room. He could just walk over and kiss him without having to drive two hours, but he didn't. Kurt was too...Kurt. Blaine felt like kissing him would destroy that. As well as their friendship.

Maybe it was just better they stay friends, for both their sakes. Kurt was just starting to fit in here, and Blaine was enjoying Kurt's sarcastic friendship and their talks on gay rights and music and anything else they could talk about more than he could ever explain.

So Blaine hit the 'end' button instead of 'send', and said that no, he would not like to save this message in his drafts, and the text was deleted with no evidence it ever existed.

Because Blaine would never send that text.

Kurt would never receive that short message that could make or break their friendship.

Blaine beat himself up internally, he needed to just _do_ this. It would work out in the end. He typed it out again. Then deleted it. Then typed it.

_'I love you'_

Then deleted it.

**A/N – I actually am pretty proud of this one, I really enjoyed writing it, and I hope you enjoyed reading it!**

**So please review and tell me what you think!**


	7. Protective

**Blaine expected some 'break his heart I'll break your face' talks when he started dating Kurt. He did not expect eighteen of them.**

**Protective**

**Finn**

Finn loomed over him, looking all sorts of tall and awkward.

"I know you're cool and all, dude, but seriously, Kurt's my little brother now, so I'm going to have to kick the crap out of you if you make him cry." Finn rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Or at least slash your tires of something."

**Rachel**

She tapped him on the shoulder twice and waited patiently for him to turn around.

"If you're just dating him so you can break up with him and destroy our chances at nationals, I'm going to have my two gay dads tell all of their gay friends you're a gay basher. But I think you two are adorable if you don't. Totally Berry approved."

**Sue**

No direct contact with the victim. She didn't speak any words. The note she left under his pillow would do _all_ the talking.

**Will**

They were in the empty chorus room, Will had caught him on his way to see Kurt in the auditorium.

"You seem like a nice guy, Blaine, and an excellent performer," The Spanish teacher smiled at him, "But we're all very protective of Kurt here. He is the youngest member of glee, after all. And if he cries and Finn decides that he wants to go get revenge on you instead of going to my class, I'm not going to stop him."

**Mercedes**

They were sitting at a coffee table in Starbucks, waiting for Rachel and Kurt to come back with their drinks when Mercedes spoke up.

"I know you're good for my boy, but if you screw this up, I'mma cut a bitch. And by 'bitch' I mean you."

**Sam**

"I haven't been here as long as everybody else. But I know Kurt. I like Kurt. He's a good guy. Don't mess this up." Here, he crosses his arms and suddenly seem ten feet taller, "And I punched Karofsky in the face for the guy. Don't think I wouldn't hit you."

**Santana**

"Remember, prep boy, I live in Lima Heights Adjacent," Her angry finger poked him in the chest, her red, scary sharp nail scratching his chest through his T-Shirt, _"Bad shit_ goes down in Lima Heights Adjacent. And I carry a razor in my weave. Watch yourself."

**Brittany**

The only thing the blonde does is lean forward and whisper, "You better make my dolphin happy. I hope you like his kissing as much as I did." That one makes him a little uncomfortable.

**Artie**

He waves Blaine over and points at the wheels of his wheelchair, "This chair has steel in it. I broke three toes on someone by running over their foot _on accident. _I'll leave you to think about what I could do on purpose," Then he wheels backwards, never blinking or taking his eyes off Blaine until he's completely out of sight.

**Mike**

Mike is probably the nicest one, just patting Blaine's shoulder and informing him that, "Everyone really likes Kurt, even the ones who say they don't. That includes me. So, you know, tread carefully."

**Wes**

"I know I've known you for years and only talked to Kurt like twelve times. But he has cool hair and I like him more. So if you break up I'm totally taking his side.

**David**

"You know, he's a countertenor. That's hella sexy. If I was gay, I would totally go for it. Actually, if you break up I'm totally gonna hit on him. So, you know...don't break up with him. Don't make me do that to my girlfriend, Blaine. Because I would leave her for Kurt. Just sayin'."

**Tina**

"Most people think vampires don't exist. But they do. And I am one," This, Blaine decides, is the weirdest warning of them all, "Ask Principal Figgins. He knows the truth."

**Quinn**

She's leaning against the wall outside the chorus room when he leaves, wearing one of her sundresses and smiling prettily, "Remember, Anderson, I had a baby. I know how much pain someone can go through without dying. For Kurt, I am willing to inflict that pain on you. Or at least get someone else to do it for me." She flounces away, all Jesus and smiles again.

**Lauren**

"I don't really know Kurt, but he seems cool. And everyone else gets to threaten you, so I figured, what the hell, why _not_ let this dude know I'm the only girl in Ohio on the boys wrestling team?"

**Puck**

Puck doesn't actual verbally threaten him, just says, "Kurt's a good guy, even if he is a little _effeminate _for a dude. And yes, I threw him into dumpsters for a year and a half, but I still know you're a lucky guy for getting him. I think you know it too. I mean, you seem like a smart guy," of course, the fact that Puck is holding Blaine by the color and may or may not be reaching for a pocket knife in his pocket completely cancels out his kindly words.

**Matt**

His phone rings and the caller ID flashes with a number he doesn't recognize, and when he picks it up he hears heavy breathing and a quiet but strong voice, "Break his heart, I'll break your face man." and then whoever it is hangs up and Blaine wonders what just happened, because he has no idea who that was.

**Burt**

Blaine sat in the kitchen while Kurt got ready for their date upstairs. Across the table, Burt smiled falsely, cleaning his hunting rifle while he spoke, "So, _Blaine,_ what are your intentions towards my son?"

And then he opens his mouth, happy that he's gone through this so many times he has an actual answer for the most important threat of them all.


	8. 5 ways they didn't meet

**Five Ways Kurt and  
Blaine Didn't Meet**

I. Southside Seaport.

NYU. It was his dream school. He had been here for two weeks now, two _whole_ weeks in New York City. The city of_ dreams. _And here he was, at Southside Seaport with absolutely no idea how he ended up here, or how to get back to campus.

"Goddammit." He plopped down on a bench, pulling out his phone to search google maps. Dead. His phone was dead. "God. Damn. It."

"Problems?" A smooth voice from behind him asked, and Kurt turned to see a guy around his age with pink sunglasses and an extremely metro outfit on.

Kurt laughed a bit, immediately turning up his gaydar, trying to figure out if this guy swung his way, "I'm completely lost, and my phone's dead. I need to get back to NYU."

"Visiting someone there or...?"

"I'm a student there," Kurt sighed melodramatically, "Freshman. _Very _new to New York. Kurt Hummel."

He shook hands with the boy, who introduced himself as, "Blaine. Blaine Anderson. Sophomore at NYU."

"Nice to meet you, sophomore Blaine."

Kurt smiled a little too bright, and Blaine sat a little too close to him. It was a simple beginning for an astounding couple.

II. Parking Lot.

He could smell the blood. Was it his? He couldn't remember. Shit.

"Shit," Someone voiced his thoughts. "Shit, Blaine! David! Call 9-1-1!"

"Dude, what's up- holy crap, what happened to him?"

"I don't know, man, he was just laying here."

"Hey," Someone was tapping the side of his face, "Hey, man, can you here me? You need to stay awake. An ambulance is on the way. Don't fall asleep, okay? Talk to me. Who did this?"

Kurt squinted up at the blurry figure above him, "Football team," He managed to answer before his eyes slipped closed.

"No, open your eyes," Someone slapped him lightly, "What's your name?"

"M'Kurt. Who're you?"

"I'm Blaine Anderson. I'm going to help you, okay? Just keep talking. Why did the football team do this?"

"Jeez, how old is he, he looks like an eighth grader."

"M'Fourteen. A freshman. Football team hates me...they dun wanna 'catch th'gay'."

"Bastards," Blaine cursed. Sirens sounded in the distance, "Okay, Kurt, I'm going to make sure they never hurt you again. Just hang in there."

"They're extr' mad cuz I wore a kilt. S'not a skirt."

The ambulance pulled into the parking lot, and the people inside questioned Wes and David while getting Kurt onto a stretcher. Right when he was about get loaded into the  
car, he grabbed Blaine's arm.

"Blaine?"

"Yes?"

"'Lexander M'Queen sc'rf. Lost it."

"I'm going to find it for you. I'll bring it to you in the hospital, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Seeya lat'r, Blaiiiiiiinderson."

III. The GAP.

Kurt Hummel was about to shoot himself in between the eyes. He was in a GAP. Not like, a shady gap between buildings in New York City, like and actual 'the GAP'.

"C'mon, Kurt, GAP's not that bad," Finn reasoned.

Kurt picked up a sweatshirt and threw it at his stepbrother, "Look at that and tell me it's not terrible."

"It's...not terrible?"

"I hate you."

Finn opened his mouth, but was cut off by a bunch of guys in stupid looking uniforms that started to sing. Kurt watched the young, talented lead singer serenade the cashier with highly inappropriate song for a store that sold kids clothing.

"Dude, is that GAP dude gay? I totally didn't notice."

"That's because you're an imbecile. I mean, look at that hair."

"Still don't see it."

Kurt shushed him, watching the performance with glee. He was such a romantic, and this was a very romantic scene.

Well it was, until the gay GAP worker guy totally shot down the singer. That's gotta be tough.

Kurt looked at the downtrodden serenader and felt like he should say _something _comforting.

"Wait here, Finn." He went outside, sitting next to the dapper boy on a bench. "In the closet?"

"He is, I'm not."

Kurt contemplated, "I'm Kurt. Not closeted. And I totally know how you feel right now."

"I'm Blaine," He examined the boy next to him, "And you don't look stupid enough to _serenade _your crush in a public place."

"No, I'm not," Kurt smiled, "But I tried to break him up with his pregnant girlfriend, then I set up our parents so we would be closer."

"...how'd that work out for you?"

"That's him there," Kurt laughed, pointing to the Frankenteen wandering around a few meters away, "He's my stepbrother. And he's straight."

Blaine let out a chuckle, "Okay, I guess that's a little worse then Jeremiah being a closet-case. I only knew him for a few weeks anyway."

"Jeremiah? You wanted to date a _Jeremiah? _What would your celebrity name be? Bleremiah? That's disgusting."

Blaine laughed for real this time, eying the younger boy with new found interest, "Wanna go get a coffee?"

Kurt blinked, surprised, then smiled, "Sure."

IV. Sidewalk.

Blaine Anderson raised his sleeve to his nose, attempting to wipe away the trail of blood. He spat on the ground. There might have been a tooth in that spit. His whole mouth tasted like the rusty flavor of blood.

He sat down with an aggravated sigh, burying his head in his hands. How was he supposed to go home with a bloody nose and a black eye? What was he supposed to say? 'Hey, dad, I asked a boy to a dance and a bunch of jocks over heard and beat the crap out of me.' That would go over real well.

A small finger poked him in the shoulder, and beside him sat a small boy wearing a vest and bow tie, who looked concerned about his condition. "You okay?"

"Just peachy," He snapped, regretting it a little when the boy flinched. "You better get home before your parents figure out you're talking to a _fag_. Bet your mom would pick out bow ties for you after she found out about that."

"My mom died when I was eight."

Blaine could have bashed his head in right then. He was such a jerk. "I'm sorry-"

"_But,"_ He continued, "If she were alive, she wouldn't care. My dad doesn't either. He says fag is just a word people use when they don't understand you all the way. The boys at school call me one too."

"Yeah, well, I am one," Blaine muttered angrily.

"Wanna know a secret?" He leaned forward to whisper in Blaine's ear, "I am too. I never told anyone that before."

"How can you know? I mean, how old are you, eleven?"

"Thirteen. And I've known forever."

"How come you told me?"

"Well, you and me have to stick together now, okay? I'm Kurt. I'm in eighth grade, by the way."

"I'm Blaine. A freshman at a high school a few towns over."

"We're really similar, I think, Blaine."

"How so?"

"High schoolers beat me up too," Kurt rolled up his sleeve, revealing a deep purple bruise that was suspiciously baseball shaped. "There's this freshman, Dave Karofsky, he lives few houses down from me." Blaine really didn't know what to say to that, but Kurt didn't wait for him to answer, just stood and offered a hand, "Why don't you eat dinner at my house? My dad won't care about you being...you know, and we can get all that blood off of your face. You just have to promise not to tell him what I told you. And about the bruise, don't tell him about that."

Slipping his hand into Kurt's and accepting the help off the ground, Blaine smiled a little, "Okay. I won't tell."

"Cool."

V. Breadstix.

He's wearing skinny jeans, and he broke down a little and put on a tight black t-shirt. He couldn't stand all that goddam flannel. It was killing him. Besides, he was going on a date, and you could dress up a little for them...right?

"C'mon, Kurtie, let's go," Brittany tugged on his arm, dragging him into the car. The entire way there, she chatted about how much fun this would be and _blah blah blah._ He was starting to remember why he liked boys in the first place. _No! Bad Kurt. No more boys._

Inside Breadstix, they sat at a table where Brittany talked more about all the sex tricks she knew. Kurt wanted to puke.

That's when Santana showed up. With _him._

"Hey Britts. Hummel," She sneered. He returned the gesture. "This is my date, Blaine. Blaine, this is Brittany and Kurt. They're, like, totally official. What is now, Britt, a whole week?"

"A little less than a week. Only eight days." Brittany smiled, "But it seems like longer, right Kurtie."

"So, _so_ much longer, Britt."

"So, you guys order us some pasta, we need to hit the ladies room," Santana dragged her tongue across her upper lip, "Warm up for later."

With a wink, she was gone, and Blaine let out a huge sigh.

"She is _terrifying,"_ Blaine whispered, eyes darting around as though she have heard.

"And Brittany's an idiot. And they're lesbians together," Kurt shrugged. "Weird girls, they are."

"And you're okay with that? Them being lesbians together? I mean, she is your girlfriend..." Blaine trailed off, "But it kind of makes me relieved. I don't know why Santana agreed to go out with me. My friend Wes set us up, but she totally knows she's just a beard..."

"Wait, beard?" Kurt sat up a little straighter, "You're gay?"

"Yeah...she said you were too..." A panicked look crossed the curly haired boys face, "Oh, man, she wasn't just fooling around, was she? I didn't mean to offend you, or anything, if you're not..."

"Well...I dunno," He answered honestly, "I thought I was, but then I wasn't sure, so I started dating Brittany, and we made out and all but it just doesn't feel right. But I've also never kissed a boy, so how am I supposed to know?"

"I've never kissed a boy either," Blaine confessed. There was a moments silence, "I don't think they'll notice if we leave. Wanna go get coffee or something?"

"Let's."

**A/N – okay, I really enjoyed  
writing this, I hope you enjoyed reading! Tell me which one was your favorite! Personally, I liked number five the most. So, yeah, I liked this and you should expect a 'Five more ways they didn't meet' eventually haha...**


	9. Pizza Delivery and Other Missing Scenes

**Three scenes that were mentioned but never shown**

**ENJOIIII**

**Pizza Deliveries and Other Missing Scenes.**

**.Sensible Heels.**

Three year old Kurt Hummel licked his ice cream happily, not minding that the cold treat dripped over the side and made his hands all sticky.

His mom laughed at him, pulling out wipes and cleaning off his face.

"So, Kurt," She said, tweaking his nose, "Someone's birthday is coming up soon...I can't think of whose though...do you know?"

"MINE!" Kurt shouted, waving his arms about madly, "My birfday!"

"Oh yeah! I remember now. How old are you turning again...?"

"Fouh," He held up four fingers, wiggling them in her face.

His dad ruffled his hair, "That's right bud. Four whole years."

Burt sat back, putting an arm around his wife as they watched their pride and joy play in the sandbox. "He's growing up so fast. Too fast."

Burt just squeezed her shoulders and called Kurt back over to them, "So, Kurtie, what do you want for your birthday?"

Kurt wrinkled his tiny nose, contemplating his answer, "I want senshibull heels."

"Did...he just ask for sensible heels?"

**.Lawn Furniture.**

Kurt pulled into the driveway of his house, and was surprised to see assorted members of the football team scattered across his lawn, laughing and running away.

Well, shit.

What did they do?

He got out of his car in time to see the distinct mohawk of Noah Puckerman taking off into the woods.

After checking the front for vandalism, he went around the back of the house where not one piece of that horrible lawn furniture his dad insisted on owning could be found. Did they steal it...? Because that would be a blessing, not a prank.

Then he looked up. And there it was.

Bolted to the roof.

He turned in the direction they ran and, even though he knew they couldn't hear him, shouted "Neanderthals!" at their backs.

.Pizza Delivery.

Blaine's hands were all over him, hot on his bare chest, moving lower, trailing down his stomach.

"Mm, Kurt," Blaine moaned as Kurt moved _just right_ underneath him and then-

The intercom buzzed.

"_~Anderson? You order a pizza?~"_

Blaine's head dropped onto Kurt's shoulder in annoyance. He pushed himself off the bed, stumbling shiftless across the room and hitting the intercom, "Yeah, send up the delivery guy. Door's unlocked, he can come right in."

"_~He's on his way up~"_

Kurt sat up, going to button up his shirt, but Blaine stopped him.

"C'mon," Blaine kissed below Kurt's ear, "The elevator takes forever. We have time."

"Blaine..." Kurt's warning tone was lost when Blaine ran his hands through the countertenor's hair and he giggled. "If we get walked in on..."

"We won't," Blaine placed a not at all reassuring kiss on Kurt's lips, then trailed down his neck and slipped his arms underneath Kurt, running his hands over his boyfriend's toned back.

Neither of them heard the light knock on the door, or when it swung open and the pizza guy walked in.

"Hey, uh, here's your- holy shit!"

Kurt and Blaine sprung apart, turning to face one very red, very embarrassed delivery guy.

Make that one very red, very embarrassed Sam Evans.

"Oh, hey pizza guy," Blaine rubbed the back of his neck, a little mortified. Kurt sat up, his face a bright pink hue.

The pizza guy turned, if possible, redder, stuttering out, "K-Kurt?"

"Sam?" Kurt squeaked, grabbing his shirt off the floor and throwing it on.

"Oh. You two...know each other," Blaine 'hmmed', "How delightfully awkward."

Kurt pushed him off the bed and Blaine landed with an 'oof'. "We were in glee together. Sam, when did you get a job at Pizza Palace? That's like an hour away from where you live."

Sam, still extremely uncomfortable, starting awkwardly confessing, "I- well- needed money, and nowhere in Lima was hiring, so I...yeah."

"I've been to your house, Sam. You do not need money." Kurt stood, buttoning his shirt casually and trying to hide his humiliation.

"My dad...lost his job. So now I need to make out- _I mean make money_ for my own stuff. Like clothes and stuff." 

Kurt patted his shoulder. Sam coughed. Blaine giggled.

"So...that'll be twenty five dollars..."

Blaine handed him a fifty, "Keep the change."

"Look, just because my dad lost his job-"

"That's not a tip," The curly haired boy grinned, "It's a bribe. Don't tell Finn what you walked in on?"

"Deal." Sam took the money and started slowly backing out of the room, "No promises about Mercedes though."

With that, the door closed with a click and Kurt threw himself face down onto the bed. "I hate you."

"He...must've taken the stairs?" Blaine defended himself weakly, laying down next to his boyfriend and nuzzling his head into Kurt's neck.

"It's so sad...about his dad," Kurt hugged Blaine around the waist. "I think I'm going to give him some of my 'last season' clothes. You know, to help out."

"I'm sure he'd appreciate it," Blaine traced circular patterns on Kurt's lower back, "So...wanna make out some more?"

"Absolutely."

**A/N – wrote these during school today...bbbboooorrrreeeeddddoooommmm haha.**

**So, yeah, hope you liked them!**

**If you can think of any other Kurt-related scenes that were mentioned but not shown, tell me about them in a review and I'll totally write it.**


	10. Steaks and Vegans

**Steak and Vegans**

Finn set the plate of skirt steak in front of Rachel, having marinaded the basil over it just like Kurt had told him to.

"Oh, this smells wonderful!" Rachel raised the plate to her face, smelling it with a sweet smile on her face.

"Yeah," Finn grinned in his typical goofy manner, "Kurt taught me how to make it."

Rachel bit into the meat, her eyes widening when it his her tongue, "Wow, this is great Finn! Tell Kurt I love his recipe, I'll have to get it from him... it almost tastes like real meat!"

Finn froze, fork halfway to his mouth, "Oh. Yeah. Because...you're a vegan."

"Right!" Rachel beamed, "I'm glad you know me so well! When we were first dating, you probably would have tried to feed me steak!"

Finn laughed awkwardly, "Ha. Yeah. Imagine that...uh, excuse me for a sec...I have to go...pee."

He fled the room, pulling out his phone and dialing Kurt.

"Dude," He hissed as soon as his brother picked up, "Why did you give me that steak formula?"

"You mean the skirt streak recipe?" He could hear Kurt's raised eyebrow through the phone. "Because it's delicious and you asked for an entree you could make."

"But it's _steak!"_

"Yes, I'm well aware," Kurt sighed, "Does this have a point? I'm out with Blaine."

"And I'm here, man. With Rachel. _And steak."_

"Did you burn it or something? Because my skirt steak is always exquisite, so you can't blame me."

"Rachel is a _vegan, _Kurt."

"...oh. _Oh." _Kurt giggled on the other end of the line, and Finn scowled, "It's not funny!"

"How could you forget that Rachel was a vegan? You've been dating for four months."

"It just...slipped my mind." Kurt was laughing at him again, so he hurried to continue, "What do I do?"

"Switch it before she notices?"

"She's already started eating."

"Oh dear. Well, just hope she doesn't notice, I suppose."

"Seriously? That's the best you've got?"

Kurt huffed, "She's not my girlfriend, Finn! I'm not supposed to think about these things, you are! Besides, if she does realize it's actually meat, maybe the guilt from eating animals, possibly baby animals-"

"Not baby animals," Finn moaned.

"-will drive her to insanity and force her to abrubtly end her candidacy for class president. Not that it matters, because I'll win by a landslide either way."

"Drive her to- why, _why_ would you ever even say that, bro?" Then, in a small voice, "...you don't think that will happen, do you?"

"Unfortunately, no," another sigh from Kurt's end of the phone, "I'm going to hang up now, so just go out there and pretend it's meat substitute, okay?"

"She'll never buy it."

"Are you kidding? Rachel's so gullible I once told her that her Macy's bought purse could pass as Gucci and she bought it."

"I feel like this is a good time to mention I only understand half of what you say, like...ever."

"Gucci? Really, Finn, we've lived together for almost a year and you don't know _Gucci? _I'm ashamed that we're related."

"Well, we're not, really..."

"Point being, if I don't hang up now, I will find a way to eviscerate you through the phone-"

"Your large words mean nothing to me."

"-so just smile and hope for the best."

"Right," Finn didn't move.

"...go, Finn," Kurt chuckled, "Or she'll think you're pooping, right?"

"Cheesus, she probably already thinks that," Finn rushed out one final sentence, "Thanks for you're advice, bro, gotta run."

He hung up, cutting off Kurt's grumbling about idiot step brothers, and walked back to the kitchen with a huge grin.

"There you are," Rachel smiled, raising another piece of steak to her lips, "What took you?"

"Not pooping, that's for sure. Ha."

"Right..."

"So how's the, uh, vegetarian...soy...bean...fake meat stuff?"

"It tastes so real!" She told him, her eyes wide, "You'll have to tell me the brand so I can introduce it to my dads!"

"Totally," When she looked at him expectantly, he continued, "I think it's called, um, Bor...snick...el...derson's soybean fake meat. Or something like that."

"Cool," Rachel smiled her gold-star smile.

Finn smiled back, looking pained, "Cool."

**a/n – So, an episode comes out where Kurt and Blaine _actually canonically _do it and this shit is what I write. Shoot me. In the face.**


	11. Scandals

**So, I'm pretty sure Scandals is in Lima, but let's pretend it's like two or three hours away, mmmmk?**

**Four times working at Scandals got really, really awkward for Sam.**

**Scandalous**

.0.

"Look, kid, if you don't get drunk and you don't leave the bar every five minutes to fuck customers, you're hired," The manager, Evan, looked tired, maybe a bit hungover, and he was resting his head face down on his desk.

"Um, well, I have to drive home, so I won't be drinking," Sam shifted his chair, "And I'm not gay, so I won't...um, leave, with any customers."

The manager lifted his head, viewing Sam with a critical eye, "You're a not gay teen, and you want to work at a gay bar?"

"Nowhere else around here is hiring, and my family needs the money..." Sam started suddenly, realizing the manager had said 'teen', "Oh, and I'm 23."

The manager snorted, "23. Right, sure, whatever. You're hired. Be here at eight tomorrow, don't wear a shirt."

.1.

"One Manhattan, please, _garcon."_

It wasn't the first time Sam had been hit on since he had started working a few days earlier, and it wouldn't be the last, but it was the first time someone his age, someone who was good looking, tried to hit on him.

"Garcon?" Sam asked, pouring the drink.

The boy shrugged, a charming half smile on his face, "I lived in Paris for awhile. Kinda picked up on it."

"Paris?" Sam smiled his dorkiest smile, "Well, I can't give you that, but here's your Manhattan. Hah."

"Merci," The boy leaned forward more, choosing to ignore the blonde's awkwardness in favor of his abs, "Cocktails aren't usually my thing, but I spent some time in Fohr and just kinda got used to drinking it, you know?"

Sam shrugged, "I don't really drink that much."

"Seems like an odd occupation for you, then..."

"Sam."

"Sam," The boy smiled in a predatory manner, "I'm Sebastian. So, a bartender on the wagon...?"

"I needed the money."

The boy slammed down a bill on the counter, "Keep the change, then. I certainly don't need the money. Maybe buy yourself a drink, when you're not working. You look...tense."

"Alcohol will mess up my workout schedule," The fake blonde said, "I try to keep to it."

"It shows," The boy bit his lip, looking at Sam's finely toned abs.

"Um," Sam looked for another customer to serve to get away from this kid's staring, but no one needed anything, "I'm super uncomfortable, so I'm just going to walk away now."

"Wait," The boy caught his wrist from across the counter, "Wanna get outta here?"

"I'm working."

"Don't worry, I'm sure I could, ah, _get you off."_

Sam didn't miss the double entendre, "I feel like this might be the moment to mention I'm straight."

"Please," Sebastian scoffed, tugging at a lock of Sam's hair, "Straight boys don't dye their hair this color."

Sam swatted his hand away, "Dude, is that like a gay thing? Do gay dudes have like some sort of spidey sense about hair dye? Because everyone here notices, and only one other person before I started working here noticed, and he was like, gay, too. So it's a gay thing, right?"

"'A gay thing'...?" Sebastian took a step back, shooting him an annoyed look, "You really are straight. Gross."

"Yeah. Sorry." But Sebastian was gone, dancing with some older guy on the other side of the bar.

.2.

He'd been working at Scandals almost a week when the first familiar face walked in.

He knew it would happen eventually. He expected Kurt, or Blaine, or both, or even goddamn _Puck_. He did not expect this person.

Sam slammed his hand down on the counter, leaning forward to whisper menacingly, "If you're here to drive away customers and be a douche, leave before I call the bouncer. Or, better yet, kick the shit out of you. _Again."_

"Evans?" The beefy boy looked like a deer in the headlights.

"Get lost Karofsky."

The jock shifted uncomfortably, "Look, I'm not bashing heads here, alright?"

"Then why are you here?"

"Why did you pour lemon juice on your head?" Karofsky threw his hands in the air, "Because we all do stupid things, that's why."

Sam stepped back, blinking.

"Oh my God."

Dave wilted under Sam's curious gaze, snapping, "What?" defensively.

"You're totally gay."

"What- you sick bastard- I'm not, not..." Dave spluttered, getting tense. "I'm just...just scoping out the fags. Make sure I know who to stay away from."

Normally, Sam would've fallen for that, but not this time.

"No, dude, you're gay."

"_I. Am. Not."_ He hissed.

"Only gay dudes know I dye my hair."

"That's ridiculous," Karofsky said, "Everyone at McKinley knew...didn't they?"

"No way, man, only Kurt knew. And you, apparently. Well, Santana did, too, but she's a girl so that doesn't count."

"It counts," He mumbled, "Believe me."

"What does that mean?" Sam raised a brow.

"What does what mean?" Karofsky evaded. "Besides, I thought you were straight, you dated Fabray and Lopez."

"You dated Santana, too," He reminded the burlier boy, "And I am straight, I just needed a job."

"Riiiiight," Dave winked, relaxing when he realized Sam wasn't about to start shouting slurs at him, "Needed a job. And I just wanted a drink. Got it."

Sam stared helplessly after his ex-team mate as he walked over to a group of older men and women in the corner, "Why won't anyone believe me when I say I'm straight?"

.3.

It was during his second week, and his second L Night, that Sam loved L Night. Not just because of all the lesbians, though that was a large factor, but because no one hit on him during L Night.

"Hey, bartender, I've been calling you for like, _10 minutes, _and I _needs_ me something alcoholic, mmmkay?"

Sam rolled his eyes, turning to face the bitchy customer, but freezing when he saw his ex-girlfriend.

Santana stared at him in shock, before laughing, "Damn! You know, I felt kinda bad about using you as a beard without telling you, kinda felt like I was stringing you along or whatever, but now that I know you were using me, I feel a lot better."

"Um, I wasn't using you. You were using me?"

Santana ignored him, "It makes a lot of sense, I mean, the nerd factor, the hair, and you dated _Quinn._ Like she's ever going to have sex again, after the baby gate..."

"Santana-"

"She was the perfect cover! I mean, she's like, _super_ hot, so no one would think you're queer as Kurt, but you never have to worry about stickin' your dick in it...genius. I'm impressed, big lips."

"Santana, my lips aren't that big. And also, I'm not gay," He interjected awkwardly, "I just needed a job that was close to my new house."

The beautiful Latina girl stared at him, before pulling a face, "Man, that's awkward..."

She laughed, and so did he, but then she stopped abruptly, resting her demon claws on the counter as she leaned menacingly towards him, "Tell anyone I was here and I'll tell everyone that your freakishly large trouty mouth is being put to good use at a gay bar. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

.4.

Putting the trash out was always terrible, because at least one couple was always going at it in the back alley where the dumpster was.

That night, it was Sam's turn to bring out the trash, and he opened the back door slowly, squinting into the alley to see if there were any naked men out there. Last time he learned things about gay threesomes that no heterosexual teenage boy should have to learn. Sam did not want to be traumatized like that again.

Seeing no flailing, naked limbs, he ventured out hesitantly, clutching the black garbage bags in his hands.

The door shut behind him before he heard it.

"_Uh...Blaine...yes..."_

He froze. This was _not_ happening.

"_Oh yeah, Kurt..."_

There was no way it was...no, he was hearing things, it was just some random couple. He would just ignore it, throw the garbage out, and hurry back inside.

That plan fell through when he got to the dumpster and a very ruffled looking Kurt Hummel stepped out from the shade, his rumpled looking boyfriend following after.

"Heeeey Kurt," He pressed his lips together and tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace.

"Sam?" The countertenor squeaked. Blaine's head shot up, his wide eyes slightly obscured by his messy hair. "What are you...?"

"I work. Here. At Scandals," He hurried to finish, before Kurt could ask, "I'm not gay!"

"I know."

"I just needed a job, honestly-"

"I figured."

"Money's still a little tight, and- oh. You believe me?"

"Sure."

"Oh. Cool," Sam looked upwards, pleading for a satellite to fly out of space and hit him in the face. Kurt's eyes stayed firmly planted on Sam's feet. "Your fly's undone."

"Oh!" Kurt pulled up the zipper of his pants, blushing scarlet, "Right. Thanks."

"No problem."

They made brief eye contact before the mumbled excuses at the same time.

"I have to- the garbage, dumpster...yeah."

"Blaine and I have to...moisturize."

.0.

"So," Evan, manager of Scandals, handed him his paycheck, "How did your first two weeks go?"

He thought about every horribly, terribly awkward thing that had happened over the last fourteen days and shrugged, "They were alright. Kinda boring."

**A/N – don't even ask me what this is...but it was a helluva lot of fun to write.**

**PS – no, Sam doesn't actually work at a gay bar unfortunately.**

**OPINIONS NEEDED who would be interested in a long one shot/short story about Karofsky at his new high school? I was thinking he would end up at the same school Sam Evans ended up at, and they would for an awkward, tentative friendship, and Dave would start crushing on some gay kid, and Sam would probably be bi, because I want it to be, you know, self discovery blah blah blah, and glee kind of hated on bi people a while back so I want to make Sam bi. Their romances would be with OCs, obviously, but ND and the Warblers would be involved. Scandals would be involved. And Sam and Dave would probz form a glee club at their new school, and possibly face ND in regionals or for fun or whatever. Whaddaya think?**


	12. Another One

**The moment Kurt realizes that Blaine is just as weird as his ex-glee club. Kurt POV of Sue/Kurt/Blaine scene in Sexy.**

**Another One**

Kurt and Blaine were in line for their coffee when a hauntingly familiar voice pierced Kurt's ears.

"Well, well if it isn't my sweet porcelain," Sue appeared out of nowhere, wearing one of her numerous tracksuits with an odd fur collared coat over it.

Kurt stiffened immediately, sparing a discreet glance to see if any Cheerios were here to abduct him for a surprise performance in South Dakota. Again."Coach Sylvester. What are you doing here?"

Blaine perked up, putting on that smile he got whenever some of Kurt's pre-Dalton life threw itself in the path of his uniformed safe haven. Kurt sent his crush a worried glance. He was almost positive Blaine couldn't handle the enigma that was Coach Sylvester. Only New Directions members, the occasional Cheerio, and (oddly enough) his dad could go head-to-head with the insanity that went on when Sue was near.

Blaine wasn't just another one of the ND guys. He couldn't let madness roll off his shoulders like Mike did, or be a part of it like Finn, or sit back and laugh at it all like Artie, and he _definitely_ couldn't take advantage of it like Puck.

"Just picking up some coffee." She smiled in a way that made Kurt know something terrible was about to go down, "I like my enema's pipin' hot."

Blaine's brows furrowed momentarily, but obviously the dapper Daltonite passed it off as a slip of the tongue, which Kurt counted as a blessing.

Maybe Sue could keep this 50% normal...

"Actually, boys," Sue continued, oblivious to Blaine's confusion, "I heard this was a Dalton Academy hang out and I come in the spirit of fellowship. As you no doubt heard I've taken over for the coach of Aural Intensity."

"We heard you pushed him down the stairs," Kurt corrected.

"Ohh, you can't prove that" Sue said idly. Blaine's eye brows furrowed again, completely befuddled by Coach Sue.

"This is just sort of how she talks," Kurt explained uncomfortably. If Blaine hadn't thought he was crazy before, he definitely would now.

"So, I happen to have some _top secret_ Intel," Sue smirked smugly and stared off into the distance with a vague look on her face, "Will Schuester has finally realized that his team's Achilles heel is their utter lack of sex appeal. The new directions are getting sexy."

Sue teared open several packets of sugar and poured them into her coffee, before throwing the wrappers in as well. Then, she took all of the spices and other decorative coffee additives and pouring plentiful amounts into her cup. Kurt and Blaine both stared, eyes flicking back and forth from her and the cup. She finished with, "And the key to regionals is out sexing them. And I suspect that the judges are scoring extra for it this year. So, porcelain. Quid pro quo, what do you have for me?"

"I'm sorry coach but you and I are not, uh, in cahoots," Kurt tried to smile apologetically, but was too busy being mortified that she had to do this in front of Blaine.

She made a dissatisfied face, "I probably should've nailed that down before I gave you my top secret Intel," Adjusting her sunglasses and pursing her lips, she glared, "Porcelain, you just made a powerful enema."

Blaine made a face at the second misuse of the word 'enema'.

Kurt looked at Blaine, waiting for his reaction with anticipation.

All he said was, "We gotta hold an emergency meeting."

He felt his eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "Why?"

"Weren't you listening?" Blaine pulled out his phone, looking worried, "The judges at regionals have an eye out for something new, which means...The Warblers gotta do something sexified."

Blaine scrunched up his face in a cute way and walked off to find a table.

Kurt stared after him, then rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

_Oh god, not another one._

**A/N – so, I was watching season two of the Kurt Hummel show- I mean, glee, and I realized this is the moment I really really truly fell in love with Blaine. It's also the moment I realized he was a long term character. Like, gonna make it to season three long term. Because no one can react like _that_ to Sue Sylvester and be a character they're going to asshole-ize and kick out. Like Jesse. So I've been wanting to write this for a while because this moment just made Klaine for me. Not that NBK didn't make them my OTP automatically (I was one of the first passengers on the Klaine Train XD) this moment just made me think they would be _togethurr ferevurr_.**

**PS – if anyone knows any good RORY centered fics? I wanna write about him but I feel like I don't know enough to write his character. After tonight's ep I want Rory/Kurt/Blaine threesome or friendship.**

**I feel like Kurt and Blaine adopted Rory (since he's the new punching bag) and now they're his two gay dads. Finn tried to adopt him but he's too busy being leader and Rachel's boyfriend (demanding job). Kudos to him for trying, but he's more like an idol than a real friendparent. Like Finn gave Rory the solo (that was a douche bag move, the 'new kid' thing) and he refused, then Blaine told him to go for it and he did. And Kurt rushed to his defense during dodgeball, obviously seeing himself in Rory and not wanting a repeat of what happened to him. And tell me I wasn't the only one who noticed how when Kurt was proposing to eliminate dodgeball from the school, Rory was the first one standing in the crowd, and he cheered loudly.**

**Also, Finn/Puck/Blaine/Mike sequence during Shelby's class. Hilarious. And their Hot For Teacher song. Uhhhmazing. Blike is totally a friendship now. Loooove Mike. Tike and Klaine should double date.**

**So (rant finally ends) suggest any good fics about Rory please! Or actually, suggest any fics at all. XD thanks all**


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